I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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