This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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