My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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