I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
