seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
