thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
