i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
