i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
