I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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