the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
