im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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