And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
