Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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