Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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