Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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