There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
