did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
