A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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