New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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