WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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