Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She told me I should be a condom model.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
