I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Barsexuality is the new black.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
