If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
