yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
