And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
