dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
