Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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