Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
