Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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