dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
