Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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