I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
