the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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