and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
