I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
