You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
