Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
