did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
