And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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