o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
