i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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