cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
