So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
