i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
