I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
