Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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