i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
