i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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