Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
