Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
accomplished twins. life is a go
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
