Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
