I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
