hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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