Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My vagina just recognized that song.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
