my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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