I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
