I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
