I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
